When issues at home accompany you to work, it's time to call for professional aid

By Sarah Garrecht Gassen

ARIZONA DAILY STAR
Tucson, Arizona | Published: 12.08.2005

People talk about striking a balance between work and personal life - an ideal point in space and time when work-related stress stays at the job and personal pressures evaporate as soon as you hit the office parking lot.

But that equilibrium is often elusive. The imaginary line that is supposed to divide our attention is blurred or stretched. When it breaks, intensely personal issues of family troubles, addiction or overwhelming grief can render you ineffective - or worse - at work.

Adding holiday pressures to the mix can tip the scales, experts say, because people tend to pile more and more on themselves, and problems become magnified.

"If you're going through a difficult time anyway, the holidays make those times even harder," said Randy Brooks, a licensed professional counselor and substance abuse specialist. "If you're married and all of a sudden that went away and you were heartbroken, it doesn't feel better to engage in the holidays; it makes you feel lonelier."

Life isn't always easy, and no one is lucky enough to escape tragedy, such as the death of a loved one. But people often try to soldier on alone instead of ask for help.

You may think that because you're still showing up for work, things are under control and your suffering is safely under the radar. Not so, said Brooks, vice president of Jorgensen/Brooks Group, which operates an employee assistance program that offers confidential counseling to about 100,000 workers in Southern Arizona.

"We're not going to tell anyone, but your behavior will tell someone," he said.
"Inability to concentrate, missing deadlines, saying you're working on projects when the supervisor knows you're not is 'presentee-ism,' " Brooks said. "You're on the job, but you're not doing your job."

Employee assistance programs, or EAPs, are free confidential counseling and referral resources. Companies pay for the service, but employers don't know who uses it or for what kind of assistance. Services are strictly confidential, unless a supervisor requires an employee go to an EAP as part of a work-related requirement, and even then the supervisor gets only broad details, such as whether or not the employee shows up for appointments, Brooks said.

Once you realize that your personal life has taken over your work life, trying to find out if you've done career damage can be touchy, said Catherine Fillmore, president of the Society for Human Resource Management for Greater Tucson.

"If an employee feels that their performance is being affected, you might just mention to your supervisor, 'Have you noticed any problems with my performance?' and then the employee can go from there," she said.

Janice Reyher, human resources director for the Marana Unified School District, said sometimes employees feel like the world is spinning too fast and something has to give.
"I've had some people who have had issues at home and they realize it's affecting them at work," she said. "They've come to me to ask, 'What can I do? It's starting to affect me at work, and what can I do?' Sometimes I just listen and that helps; sometimes I refer them to the EAP."

It's easy to get caught up in the nitty gritty of personal problems and lose focus at work, Reyher said.

"I've had people going through divorces, and they get so caught up in the emotional wreckage of what's happening, and a lot of time it's because they want to control what's happening and they can't," she said. "If you can accept the fact that this is not something you can control, that you have to do your best to get through this, it takes a lot of pressure off."

Distracted employees cost companies money in lost productivity, which is a major reason many companies offer confidential assistance services to their workers, Brooks said.

Jack Redavid is a big supporter of employee assistance programs and started the first one when he was the director of human resources for the city of Tucson. He is now assistant vice chancellor for human resources for Pima Community College.

"I think managers will suspect when an employee is having a hard time," Redavid said. "Say you're not getting deadlines done and you're having performance problems. Your supervisor's responsibility is to address your performance, and that's where the conversation needs to stay, focused on work-related expectations."

Supervisors often aren't trained in how to deal with personal problems, and that's one reason it's better in most cases to go outside your chain of command to hash out the gory details, said Brooks.

"Sometimes supervisors aren't the most sophisticated people in the world, and if I go and say, 'I'm having an affair,' it could color their opinion of me and affect my career in the future," he said.

The thought of asking for help can be intimidating, but it's imperative, said Darci A. Thompson, director of the University of Arizona's Life and Work Connections program. Staffers try to pick up on clues to more serious problems when they're working with a person on another task, like finding child care or elder care.

Life and Work Connections also provides healthy heart screenings, which include a chat with one of the center's professional counselors, as a way to come in contact with people who might need a hand.

"There is still the stigma around mental health, a stigma around not being able to manage our lives," Thompson said. "Our lives are sometimes not very neat - they're complicated."

Sometimes people are afraid that seeking professional help means signing up for a lifetime of Woody Allen-esque therapy. According to Holly Darwin, director of specialized services at CODAC Behavioral Health Services Inc., the average counseling takes about six sessions.

"It's amazing how working with a trained person for an hour or two can help sort things out," Darwin said.

Just giving voice to what's troubling you can help. Sharing with a friend, family member, clergy or sometimes even a stranger can provide a release and some perspective.

When Reyher feels overwhelmed, she writes down everything that's weighing on her. It helps her see the big picture and prioritize.

"At one point when I was younger, I was very down and I didn't know why," she said. "I picked up a pen and just started writing, and about five or 10 minutes later I was writing with a purpose - I was writing down what was bothering me.

"From then on, when things got to be too much, I would write them down," Reyher said. "It makes it easier to cope - they're just words on a piece of paper."

For further information contact:

Contact reporter Sarah Garrecht Gassen at 573-4117 or sgassen@azstarnet.com.

or

Donald G. Jorgensen, President, Jorgensen/Brooks Group,
2120 W. Ina Road, Tucson, AZ 85718
1-520-575-8623
don@jorgensenbrooks.com.